Saturday, March 07, 2009

Models, Models, Episode 1

Oh, man. I'm on model overload.

Watched the first (two-hour long) episode of "America's Next Top Model: Cycle 12" and the first episode of "Make Me A Supermodel: Season 2."

**spoilers ahead!**

I haven't watched "Top Model" since ... I don't know ... Cycle 8 or 9 or something, because DUDE, how many times can I watch the same ol' drama?? Tyra knows how to milk it, I give her that.

Cycle 12 started out ridonkulously. Tyra is so over the top, I don't even know how to express it. She is just staggeringly faux-fierce this season, almost painful to watch. Makes for some quality cringe-TV. Her whole goddess schtick ... I can't even begin.

Let's skip the whole first hour of pain, when there are thirty-some-odd girls that reek of desperation. I couldn't watch much of that crap, because WOW were there some crazies in that bunch.

I almost want to know where they find these "models," because I feel like they must go to a loony-bin and search for any tall, skinny girls. Some of these chickies are just nuts, some are maddeningly stupid, and some are completely soulless. That's right, I said soulless.

Here's Soulless #1, a.k.a. the girl I wish would just turn mute- Sandra:

At first, I was all, "Oh, girl's cute, she's got an interesting face, she has a lovely accent."

No. No. No.

Nothing lovely about little Miss Sandra. She's a vindictive, back-stabbing, soulless girl that took every single opportunity to criticize, belittle, and look down on the other girls. She also said, "I'm from Africa" about fourteen times, and I got over it after she said it about twice. Dude, I know you're from Africa. Stop telling me how unique and beautiful you are. Get over yourself and get fired, please. I don't even want her around for the inevitable drama that she will cause.

Then come the ones I merely don't like:

Allison, who looks like a creepy porcelain doll, with giant alien eyes and a strange face. The judges swooned over her- "she has the most amazing eyes," blah blah blah- no, don't care.

Isabella, who seemed slightly empty-headed and walked the runway like a pregnant goose. Honey, no. Please, have someone teach you to walk without making your neck look like a slinky. Isabelle has epilepsy, and I seriously thought that she was going to have a seizure during the first runway show (misleading editing strikes again).

Natalie, spoiled princess who has never worked a day in her life and is proud of that. Ask your daddy to get your lazy eye fixed, dear. If your eye's not lazy, then I assume you just look like that naturally. Pity.

Jessica, who claims she's from Puerto Rico but speaks English like a white girl with perhaps a pinch of Rosie Perez thrown in. She's cute, but looks like she should be on the cover of Maxim. She said that she's never been called ugly before, ever. Good for you.

A slew of girls I like slightly more than the batch above, but still don't really like:

London. I wanted to like her ... she's quirky, kind of hippy-dippy, seems like a fun girl (albeit one with rather a lot of junk in her trunk), but then she started talking about how she preaches on the street. How much she loves Jesus. Darling, you are the reason that people don't want to meet Christians.

Tahlia, the burn survivor. Her mama left her alone in the kitchen when she was 8 months old and she yanked a coffee pot over herself, burning what looks like her wrist, her stomach, and her legs. I'm sorry, truly, that such a thing happened to you. However, you don't remember that incident, and you're using it as an excuse to have low self-confidence. Move on.

Kortnie. Doesn't the photo make it look like the photographer hates her and snapped the shot just as Kort was trying to move into a different pose? Another girl that seems fun or whatever but didn't leave much of an impression. Plus, I didn't like her hair. Please, please let her stay until makeovers and she gets a blonde Little-Orphan-Annie afro...

Also, why did they insist on dragging the fact that she used to date a Nascar driver into the show? She kept wanting to dismiss it, they kept playing clips and showing photos of her and Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Nijah. I have no impression of her, other than the fact that her wearing those jeans plus those shoes for this photo makes her look like she has not one single whit of fashion sense. And she needs to give Madonna her cone bra back.

Celia. I wanted to like this girl. She seemed smart as a whip and totally drama-free (there was an incident involving hateful Sandra and the house not having enough beds), but her eyes fuh-reak me out. She's got those big stalker eyes, plus the Neanderthal brow-bone and a rather masculine jawline. I can't deal with all that.

Finally, the (very few) girls I did like:

Teyona, who was told she had a face like she was in a wind tunnel- in a good way. I liked her simply for being drama-free and seeming to take good pictures.

Fo, the "Blaxican" (her word, not mine). She was cheery without being ingratiating (London, I'm looking at you) and I loved her freckles. A bit short, though, and seems slightly big to be a model (I don't make the rules).

Animat, by far my favorite. Girl is TALL at 6'1" and very self-aware. She seems like the one that isn't going to put up with crap but won't be the cause of the drama. I also loved her fro and her attitude (confident without being snarky). Hope she maintains what she had in the first episode.

"Top Model" isn't a good show by any stretch of the imagination. I need to watch it after preparing myself for the cliches, the manufactured drama, and the crappy acting that is Tyra's trademark. Still, entertaining in its own way.

"Make Me A Supermodel" was great last season, with the single exception of Niki Taylor, who was exhausting to watch. She had the emotional range of a turnip and yet tried to really play up the drama. Please, no.

I was so relieved to find that Niki was not in Season 2. Tyson Beckford is back (passable, fun to watch) with Nicole Trunfio as his co-host. In a twist that I didn't care about, the co-hosts are not judges anymore. They're going to be mentors, Tyson to the boys and Nicole to the girls. I'm already enjoying Nicole's brutal honesty. I think she uses her accent as an excuse to be extra-mean, and I hope she makes some of the girl cry. Most of them need to be taken down a peg (or twelve).

I know that because I watched all of Season 1 I'm very attached to some of the contestants (Ronnie!), but I already feel like some of the contestants this season are just really dumb, and unattractive to boot.

I am enjoying the new judges, but with the exception of Jenny Shimizu, the international panel is very hard to understand. Marlon, the South African, is pretty succinct and therefore a bit understandable. I don't know if Perou is a permanent judge, but his English accent was quite strong (I find that posh English accents are easier for me to make out). I did love his Sergeant Pepper coat that he wore to the runway show, though. Catherine Malandrino makes beautiful clothes but has a completely incomprehensible French accent and a makeup artist that should be fired posthaste (a single shade of gray eyeshadow? All over her eyelid? Really?). Her hair dresser should also be given a good talking to.

Hateful wench:

Salome (she pronounces it so incorrectly I've decided to call her Salome-Baloney) is an annoying little twit. I'm completely over her and her "I'm so cute" act. Ugh. She also compared her butt to Jennifer Lopez's, saying her butt is like J.Lo's but on a white girl, blah blah blah. Oh, and guess what? Her mom, Mennonite. Her dad, Mennonite. She can't believe what her Mennonite mom would say about her Mennonite daughter wearing lingerie in a box dangling above New York. She has a different perspective because she grew up Mennonite. Her Mennonite dad doesn't want her to cut her hair or wear makeup. Hey, Salome-Baloney! I don't care. Get over yourself.

Not hateful but not likable:

Chris claimed he had an advantage in being the only androgynous guy in the bunch. Yeah, nice theory- if you weren't so femme that some of the girls looked butch standing next to you. You're a total girl. Please go grow a pair and come back later (or never). And stop over-tweezing your sad little eyebrows.

Jonathan, the English construction worker with a wife and kid, was gorgeous when he spoke. Lovely voice, lilting accent. But the hair (it's long, not short like the photo) and the odd facial angles just made me go "meh."

Shawn. He said something like, "I've never been in a room with so many straight people before! Be nice to the gay!" Um... you're not the only gay in the room. By a long shot. His eyes are set very close together, which I generally dislike on people- I feel like it makes them look weaselly and dishonest. Pass.

Mountaha, the Brazilian. She does not have the body (Cory Bautista said it, not me, but I agree) and she has a terrible complexion. I didn't like her or her inability to pose. She had a ton of self-confidence without much apparent reason. Bleh.

Laury. I think she's going to be trouble. She was way too flirty with Jonathan and immediately said that it was just work, they needed to put their significant others out of their minds for the photo shoot. Translation? She wants to be inappropriate with someone else's man. I thought she looked old, too, and was surprised to see that she's not 35. Seriously.

Ken the caveman. Low-set brow, giant underbite, over-developed pecs ... all he needed was a girl to drag away to his cave. He kept insisting on how he could lose weight if he wanted to because he's a personal trainer and knows how to do it, he just doesn't know if "it" is worth it. Didn't you come on the show to, I don't know, be a MODEL?

Branden. Can't walk and is so homophobic that I think he loops back around to gay. He was nervous about the photo-shoot (he was paired with Chris, Mr. Androgynous) because of the gay thing, and he's "especially not gay." Yeah, sure, honey. Keeping telling yourself that, over and over again.

The ones I'm on the fence about:

Amanda, who was impressive because she had a bikini-ready body and a 10-month-old son at home. She didn't say much and wasn't featured much, but seemed vacuous.

Kerryn, who also didn't say much but I didn't want to hear from her. I found her strangely ugly, and not in that model way where ugly = pretty.

Karen frightened me a little. She looked like she could beat up most of the boys. She also has a very severe face and looks too old.

CJ doesn't look like a model to me- she's on the short side and has a giant chest. Salome-Baloney won the photo-shoot and her prize was a go-see. She had to take another girl with her, though, and since the girl apparently cannot think without talking, she said she'd have to pick someone that she could beat. And then she picks CJ and tells her out-right, "I think you have a great body, but I think I can beat you."

After that, how could I not root for CJ? Doesn't mean I have to like her, I just dislike her less than I dislike Baloney.

The ones I liked:

Gabriel. Cute in a sort of Abercrombie & Fitch way. I don't remember him talking at all, which is probably why I like him.

Jordan. She got the ugliest dress on the runway and rocked it out. She was interesting and intelligent, and I actually enjoyed listening to her talk. Hopefully she doesn't stoop to the drama level that I know some of the other kids are going to get to.

Colin, the adorable geek. Such a cute little dork! I have nothing else to say about him- he's the most darling nerd I've ever seen.

Sandhurst, my favorite. I get the impression that he might perhaps hook up with one of the skanky girls, which makes me sad (misleading teasers could be the culprit, though). He took a fantastic photo and was the only one who looked at ease on the runway.

I have no idea if I'll keep watching either of these shows, as they both have their moments of extreme idiocy ("Top Model" more so than "Supermodel"). The antics of lots of tall, hungry people living together under one roof can be a bit much at times, and I have no patience lately. I think I managed to watch all two hours of "Top Model" in about 45 minutes.

I do love the escapism of TV, but probably won't be posting lengthy posts about the shows again. Little snippets of my favorite and least favorite and most shocking moments seem much more likely.

I know for sure I'll watch the makeover episodes of both shows- I love a good meltdown on TV!


william March 8, 2009 at 12:56 AM  

girl, where do you find the TIME(?!?!?!) to post all this?

jeanny March 8, 2009 at 3:41 PM  

I don't sleep when I stress. Now that I look at it, this post is really long!

william March 9, 2009 at 7:47 PM  

i saw the long-ass premiere. you're right. that sandra chick has no soul. which is a shame, cuz she's so pretty. hey, did you know that she's from africa?

jeanny March 9, 2009 at 10:17 PM  

No way.

I thought she was from Trinidad and Tobago! Isn't that what her accent is??

I'm dreading / anticipating this week's episode. I hope she gets the boot!