Wednesday, February 18, 2009

2009 All-Blah Game

The NBA All-Star Game this year was held in Arizona, home of the Phoenix Suns, evident by the hideous suns that mark the top of the keys on their court. Suns that look like the kind of tribal-lite tattoos popular in the '90s ... remember how all the boys in 98 Degrees got tattoos? Of suns? With 98 Degrees inside the suns? Oh, the sheer delight of bromance tattoos!

I don't know how I went off on such a tangent (I always disliked 98 Degrees because Nick Lachey's voice makes me want to kick puppies and "Newlyweds" grossed me out), but since I was firmly entrenched in my tangent, I Googled the tattoo. I found a picture that reminds me of why dislike of this dude:

Doesn't he look like a greaseball? The skeeziness...

Okay, tangent's over.

The actual game was horrible. I understand that players don't want to get hurt, since this game counts for nothing. Does that mean they should just stand there, idly twiddling their thumbs? Some of them didn't even run- they sort of half-heartedly jogged between the baskets, apparently too tired to care that they were about a half-court behind the pack.


This is what happens when money runs sports, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that the West won. The West as a whole, good for you. Individual players, I don't like most of you. Let's begin with the obvious and glaringly huge:


My sister wandered in while my dad, my uncle, and I were watching and she said, "Wow. Shaq got FAT."

He not only got fat (he looked like a beached whale and was sweating BEFORE THE GAME STARTED), he decided to perform. Perform what, you ask? I assume it was ... a ... dance? He wore a white mask and had his posse with him. They are apparently called the Jabbawockeez. It gives me a headache just looking at that name. The dance was lame (he's the size of a beached whale and they expected him to play, much less dance??) and I fast-forwarded through most of it. Yawn.

Kobe: Don't like you, either. But thanks for being the high scorer, it helped my team win.

The game started out well enough, the East leading quickly. Then, somehow, the East lost all will to live and collapsed. This does not a good game make.

Sloppy players, half-hearted plays ... just sad.

What is going on with you, NBA? Do you just hate the American people and love denying them the pleasure of a good game? Are you depressed from this economic crisis? Because you need to snap out of it already.

Another thing that made me eyes hurt: the uniforms. (I almost called them 'costumes' and just caught myself.) They were SO UGLY. Why are the All-Star Games' uniforms always completely hideous?? It's like they took an eight-year-old boy, at the height of his awkwardness, going through a growth spurt so rapid that he can't hold a pencil correctly, and told him, "hey, kid, design something. We need it in 15 minutes."

I know fashion has no place in sports or whatever, but let's try to make things aesthetically pleasing. Then maybe more women would care.

Oh, wait, here's the official explanation of the uniforms: "The horizontal lines resemble Arizona's rock formations, while the progression of color (desert red for the West, sunset blue for the East) is emblematic of the legendary bird rising from the flames."

The designer didn't like the West, I can tell that much. The shorts were even uglier, but I can't find a picture of them. To be honest, I Googled '2009 nba all-star uniform' and picked the first photo. I can't be bothered to search for shorts and save the image and blah blah blah.

Maybe if it was like the MLB All-Star Game, and there was a reward for winning, the NBA All-Star Game would have a chance to be good.

Or maybe it's time to give up and accept the fact that Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Larry Bird, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, and the rest are retired and never coming back. How depressing.

Last note- the MVP went to Shaq and Kobe. Are you kidding me?!

No more basketball for me until the playoffs, when the players will care and are willing to get hurt. A little blood never hurt any sport.


jeanny February 21, 2009 at 10:05 PM  

Hey, hey, hey-- I'm an equal opportunity racist!