Friday, September 04, 2009

What?? Huh?? Confused!

I find myself on this crazy up-and-down path lately, and it's making me a little queasy.

Trying to blog something (anything) while in this headspace is like ... what I imagine it would be like to try and shave a cat that's hopped up on Red Bull and catnip. Not good, in other words.

The gist is basically that I am amazingly unmotivated (professionally as well as personally) and would like nothing better than to stay, all day long, snuggled up on the Tempurpedic that I am currently sleeping on, surrounded by twelve pillows, my sketchbook, fourteen books, and my phone. Doesn't that sound delightful? No TV, no music. Just me, wallowing.

BUT NO, I am at work, struggling to keep myself going, struggling to keep moving forward ("just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swi-i-i-i-iming"). There's a really disturbing paradox at play here, which I believe many Koreans (Asians in general, perhaps) have experienced and will continue to experience:

I want to do nothing. Yet I want to be recognized for doing something. Therefore, my two conflicting desires work against one another as I am caught in the middle, fighting like a fish in a net.

The way that I appease both sides of myself is pretty simple- spurts of time during which I work very, very hard and other times when I do nothing. Nothing, I say. Nothing at all but breathing.

I'm not talking phases here, I'm talking literal spurts of time, from ten minutes to a few hours. I can't seem to keep up a consistent middle-ground pace, so I bounce (frenetically) from one extreme to the other. It's crazy.

This ping-pong action describes not just my physical habits as of late but my emotional state, as well. I'm maniacally up, then maniacally down. I imagine that this is what a pregnant woman must feel like, helpless in the face of mood swings that feel like inevitable natural disasters.

The worse part? I have NO EARTHLY CLUE as to why I am vacillating like this! I didn't used to be this way, I promise.

Until I figure out how to even myself out (perhaps a lobotomy?), I'm sure blogging will be spotty. Much like my mental health.

2 comments:

william September 5, 2009 at 10:00 PM  

i do the same. i pretty much have two speeds when it comes to work.

either i'm WORKING. or i'm NOT (and by NOT, i mean doing absolutely nothing. maybe just vegetating.).

so i get your routine. i'm also a subscriber.

jeanny September 7, 2009 at 4:51 PM  

I'm trying to hit my stride of mediocrity. So not working.

Glad I'm not the only one!