Friday, August 14, 2009

Little Girl's Dreams

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. Then I wanted to be an artist. Then I wanted to be a gymnast. Then I wanted to be a writer. Then I wanted to be an artist. Then I wanted to be an accountant. Then I wanted to be an artist.

I ended up, miraculously, in the field that I kept going back to ... sort of. I think film is an art, and working in film makes me artist-adjacent. I don’t actually create art anymore, but I contribute to the process, and I am a cog in the giant machine that makes films appear on screens all over the world. When I actually sit and think about it, that's insane.

I am ludicrously grateful that I have been able to parlay the skills that my parents gave me (I refrained from writing "skills that my mama gave me") into a career that I love, that I am willing to get up in the mornings for. My job, all my past jobs, have paid the bills, have given me some semblance of contentment, and have taught me about this industry and about myself.

Every now and again, though, I get that pesky little thought in my head: what if…?

What if I had become an illustrator, my original major in college?

What if I had just majored in math, like I thought I wanted to?

What if I had persevered and continued to write?

What if I had not found my path and was still working on commercials and smaller projects?

What if I had taken that job and moved out of this city, out of this country?

When I dwell, I know that the choices I’ve made were the right ones for me. I don’t have regrets. I would not have met the people that I’ve met or had the experiences that I’ve had if my choices had been different.

I’ve met amazing people, I’ve met horrible people, I’ve been bland people, I’ve met talented people, I’ve met people with the most awesome luck I’ve ever seen- all people that have helped me to form my opinions and shape me into the crazy, stubborn, workaholic person that I am today. I can’t regret having met any of them (though a few almost slide from ‘resignation’ into ‘regret’).

I’ve had some unique experiences, seen things other people will never get to see, and watched the birth, growth, and completion of several projects. Each show has given me new insight into human nature and into how I would do things if I was in charge (everyone dreams of that, don’t they?).

I’m blessed.

I know that I’m a lucky, lucky girl and I have a lot to be thankful of.

But now, in this digital age, I can’t help wondering: If I had grown up in this age of Googling, blogging, Twittering, YouTubing, and Facebooking, would my dreams be different? Would I want to be a YouTube sensation? Would I want to be a blogger that could live off ad revenue alone? Would I want to be the Twitterer with the most followers?

I’m so glad that I was on the cusp- not quite young enough to take all the digital innovations for granted, old enough to be leery of too much information about me on the internet, young enough to know how to use all the technology, but old enough to use it (hopefully) thoughtfully.

For now, I’m going to buy a new sketchbook small enough to fit in my purse and relive the dreams of my youth, to appease the little girl in me.

7 comments:

ate August 15, 2009 at 11:53 AM  

well said...you are a writer, jeanny

jeanny August 15, 2009 at 2:37 PM  

Thank you. That comment made my day- you don't know how much it means to me.

Diana E. August 24, 2009 at 10:31 PM  

This was lovely to read. (Sorry I'm behind on the blog-curve with all the American travel and all).

Lately I've been reconciling the fact that I don't have it "all in front of me" anymore and that I have actually made some choices and ruled some stuff out...

However, never rule out writer. All it takes to be a writer is to write. And you do it rather well. I agree with what "ate" said... though not with his name.

ate August 25, 2009 at 10:25 AM  

LOL

Diane -"ate" is my name at home.

Here in my country, this is what younger siblings call the first born daughter.

Its also used to show respect to someone not too much older than the speaker.

Derived from Chinese, the letter "a" is pronounced much like how you would say apples.

Thus, a-teh.

Hope this will make my name more agreeable to you =)

jeanny August 25, 2009 at 10:47 AM  

Thanks you, Diana!

I hope you and the fiance are having fun in the states- vacations are always good. (I wish I was on one...)

I think "ate" must be the equivalent of "unnee" and "oppa," yes? My sister's friends think my name is Unnee until they meet me.

jeanny August 25, 2009 at 11:18 AM  

"Thanks you," says I. Oh, the irony that this is a post about wanting to be a writer!!

Thanks AND thank you, Diana. :)

ate August 25, 2009 at 6:43 PM  

yes, that's it, unnee =)